Mar 4, 2010

Chief Justice John Roberts Resigning, According to Internet's Favorite Source of Octomom News [Rumors] has learned exclusively that Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts is considering stepping down. " has been told that Roberts, 55, could announce his decision at any time." The Pulitzer hunt heats up! Update: has retracted.

Yes, AMI's online home for everything Octomothering, Blanket-tasing, and Tiger-stalking, has a political scoop! Why? Who knows! Maybe AMI enjoyed all the positive attention The Enquirer got for their Edwards reporting and thought they'd just go after someone else who kinda looks like him?

According to, Roberts is stepping down for "personal reasons." But unless he's literally dying, there is actually no chance in hell that Roberts would resign during the Obama presidency.

Drudge, earlier, linked to this story along with a denial from a "top Court source." But now, that link and denial are gone. Soon, Twitter will announce that Chief Justice Roberts is dead. And then Barack Obama will take away your guns and kill grandma, the end.

Update: This is a wonderful, wonderful retraction, can exclusively report.

Despite considering resigning from the U.S. Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts will stay on the bench, has exclusively learned.

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As was first to report, Roberts, 55, was considering resigning from the nation's highest court due to personal reasons. has now learned Roberts will in fact remain as Chief Justice.

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Despite considering quitting his job to become a Hollywood animal trainer,'s executive vice president David Perel will stay on at the gossip website, has exclusively learned.

As was the first to report, Perel was considering resigning from AMI's ugliest website in order to train chimps and golden retrievers to play various sports for straight-to-DVD movies. has now learned Perel will stay on as Executive Vice President of

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