Apr 25, 2009

Black History Month: An Objective Manifesto [Negropedia]

In the long and storied history of the universe nothing has come so far, overcome so much, as Black. Some have theorized that in the beginning there was only Blackness. Here's the thinking on that.

In the beginning Black wasn't a color. It was just a void. Nothingness.

Then came the sun and the heavens and the earth, and for some reason people began to hate on Black. They sided with yellow, and green, and blue, and others. They relegated Black to nighttime and said hurtful things like "what are we going to do? it's friggin' pitch-black out here".

Black would think, "What do you mean what are you going to do? Y'know, it's worth noting I was here first, you light-reflecting punks. But really, you can do whatever you want. Just 'cause I'm around doesn't mean you can't do anything. Just don't call me pitch."

But Black never actually said anything. He was never one to speak up. Instead, Black just absorbed the abuse. And over time he began to get depressed and sullen.

He started practicing sinister forms of magic and comedy. And he would compose long lists of people he deemed undesirable.

Eventually, Black moved into a hole, with his two favorite pets: one a sheep, the other a cat. Blessed with an entrepreneurial spirit, he formed a marketplace where people would trade goods unbeknownst to others. On occasion, he would mail people and tell them to do his bidding lest he come out and make it a "Black day" for everyone.

Black loved to come out on Fridays, and came to be associated with the day. But at this point in time all hope for Black to be accepted in society seemed lost.

But then Black discovered he had a gift, a knack for fashion. From little dresses to top hats to shiny shoes, it seemed everything he made was in style and appropriate for just about any occasion. This was "the new Black," and he started making serious money with his gift. In fact, he stacked so much paper, the businessmen started referencing him when their own companies started making money.

In order to protect his financial interests, Black studied and became a guru of all the martial arts. Every time he learned a new martial art, he would wear a belt indicating his mastery. Black was not to be fucked with.

Some other things have happened along the way to get us to this point where we celebrate Black history. He also invented a box that's indestructible, and created a music style/cult called "goth". But every individual accomplishment seems so small when placed against the majesty of his complete legacy. It's a legacy that still has a bright future, even as we celebrate its past.

So keep all this in mind as we approach this month of normal length and moderate temperatures(May!); our world would be totally different without Black history, and we should never forget that.


I read this excerpt from my forthcoming book at the "How I Learned" reading series, good times! It originally ran on McSweeney's. If you have excellent satire (or whathaveyou) pieces that deserve some shine, give me a shout.


Six Million Ways to Die [Classic Ads]

This, reportedly from a "European trade publication circa 1998," may be the single most unintentionally terrible ad ever produced. At least in the last 11 28 years. Click to enlarge. [via Fishbowl LA]

Actually, it's from 1981. Shoulda checked the archives. (Thanks, Greg)


Check it out !!
We've got reviewed by Your Shopping Kaki and also

thanks a bundle to Your Shopping Kaki and Fashionista In You
for featuring us on their site. (:



Check it out !!
We've got reviewed by Your Shopping Kaki and also

thanks a bundle to Your Shopping Kaki and Fashionista In You
for featuring us on their site. (:


Apr 24, 2009

No One's Buying [Pic Of The Day]

[English folks walk by an advertisement in London, as the British economy tanks and no one goes shopping anymore; image via AP]

The Week of Biblical Correctness [Week In Review]

Boy. It is going to be a really nice weekend, right? For a couple minutes until it's GROSS and HUMID as usual anyway. Hey, what happened this week?

The Worst Picture Ever Taken Is Also Sort of the Best One [Moments]

Oh, hello. You wanted to see a picture of disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich standing in a fake forest with Heidi and Spencer from The Hills, right? Oh good, because we have one.

Um, yeah. So... Blago was going to be on the upcoming season of I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, which I don't need to explain because the show is so beautifully described in L'Inferno, but a federal judge said, "Um, actually you're being indicted on 17 pretty serious charges right now, so no, you can't go to Costa Rica to film a fucking reality show." So, he's not doing it, but he is promoting it! He showed up at a junket to support his would-be costars, a roster of ghouls that ranges from the aforementioned Hills idiots to born-again Baldwin Stephen to Tail Spin character made flesh, American Idol's Sanjaya.

What did he have to say about the would-be experience?

I had sold myself on this being a way for me to be a modern-day Teddy Roosevelt. I basically deluded myself into being that, and then the judge made his decision.

So, that's a thing that someone said once, whatever in the good Christ it means. Is Rod Blagojevich about to invade Cuba?

At least he acknowledged that he's deluding himself about... something. Anyway, this is all to say, here's a horrible thing, now please look at it. I mean, just look at it. Those are people.

Those are people, America.


S.I.'s TV Terrorist Going to Jail [Never Forget]

So this guy in Staten Island is going to prison for six years because he sold a satellite TV package of Arab news stations that included Al Manar, which is Hezbollah's TERROR CHANNEL.

The prosecutors call him "Hezbollah's man in New York City," because he offered this channel, which is apparently TERRORISM. He also sold porn, so you know he's basically an Islamic fundamentalist and an amoral big city commie.

This America-hater's punishment won't end after his prison term, of course!

Iqbal, who has lived in the U.S. for more than 20 years, will most likely be deported once he has completed his prison sentence, Dratel said. Iqbal, a former car mechanic, is married with five children and a sixth child due in July.

You can screen al-Manar right here, in the comfort of your own home. And then you can GO TO JAIL FOR BEING A TERRORIST.

(Make your own "and yet it's no crime to broadcast ___" jokes we are too depressed.) (Hint: Glenn Beck.)