Jan 22, 2010

The Apple Tablet Rumors The Other Blogs Are Afraid To Publish

CrunchGear is, as you know, the internet's primary nexus for trade secrets, corporation-breaking revelations, and the latest salacious home videos of tech CEOs (yes, Jen-Hsun Hwang, we have that one). Our power to elevate or crush giants in the industry is kept in check only by our unerring discretion — and by a set of laws, carved into amber slabs and venerated constantly in a hidden shrine deep beneath Mountain View.

But now and then our vast intelligence network brings in news of such inestimable importance that we must share it with our readers regardless what empires it may topple. Apple's event on the 27th is whipping the internet into a foaming frenzy, but I think you'll agree that the rumors so far have been pretty tame. 3G? Front-facing camera? Aluminum casing? You people underestimate Apple's dedication to bucking expectations. We've heard things that will curl your toes, and now, after much deliberation (and fortification of the shrine against the agents of Apple) we've decided to share some — not all — of these mind-blowing rumor-nuggets.

For instance, did you know that the Apple Tablet will not be constructed from aluminum, but from ostrich ivory?

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