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Melrose Place : The No Point of Return [Crystal Balls]

Jo Reynolds came back last night as a celebrity photographer and her ego was as big as Annie Liebovitz's debt. And the future isn't much brighter for her or any of the denizens of this famous zip code.

Really, Jo's return was pretty lame. When are they going to start realizing this is the old folk's home, and that they should give them a good housewarming!

Using the info from last night's episode and a glimpse into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) we were able to determine how all the story lines were going to pan out in the future.

  • Jonah bones Kendra, the sharpened pencil face "development executive" who works at Paramount and grew up in the same town as him and loves his movie just the way it is. She wants to shield him from Hollywood and let him be a real artist, just like her ex-boyfriend Hippity Hipster who is the hippest director in all of hipland. Well, Kendra takes Jonah to a snazzy party where Hippity finds him and says, "Hey, Jonah, just trying to do you a solid, take a look at her yearbook photos." So he goes back to their old high school and he can't find her in the yearbook. He flips through it several times, and finally gives up. Then, in the middle of the night, it dawns on him. He goes back to the book and there she is, but her name is Ken! Your new girlfriend is a tranny, Jonah! That explains her boobs and that pencil face. After that, Jonah realizes that he's gay and leaves her to make sweet love to Hippity Hipster in the coolest loft in Williamsburg.
  • Doggy Riley gets pissed that Jonah is having sex with a tranny, so she goes down to Guatemala to find Jo and the two become fast friends. That is, until she finds out that Doggy Auggie has had a relapse, but it's not the booze this time, it's heroin. He has pawned his motorbike and his surfboard to pay for the drugs and lost his job at Coal, so he gets a job at Kohls, which he loses too. Then he becomes a hustler. She leaves Jo in Latin America, but Jane, who is supposedly the landlord, but has been locked in a closet for three episodes, goes down there to take her place. Riley goes back and rescues Auggie and tells him that she will love him if he enters rehab. He does and gets clean. The he tells her what happened to Violent.
  • When Riley leaves, Auggie is so sad that he starts drinking again. Violent starts to give him heroin so that he'll become addicted and have to go to her every time he scores a fix. When she finds out that heroin causes impotence, she can't get what she wants and tries to cut the drug with Viagra. Mixing the two together is a difficult chemical process, and while doing it in the basement of Melrose, there is an explosion and Violent blows her head off. Luckily, Dr. Mancini has been perfecting a way to turn bodies into automatons of evil. Auggie thinks he is saving her and gives Michael the body, but he just adds her to his cyborg army of death. To stop her, they exhume the body of Kimberly, send it into the future, where it is reanimated using the powers of good and then she leaps back to the past to kill evil robot Violent. After she does, she gives Riley a magic amulet and tells her never to press the button, which she does at once. What strange creature will it conjure up?
  • Ella goes on trial for that orange outfit she wore last night. Really? A giant orange hat? And scarf? And a twisty tie belt thing? And cowboy boots? Who is doing the wardrobe for this show? The same people that do Gossip Girl?
  • Lauren turns in David for being an art thief. He turns her in for being a hooker. They both get sent to jail. In a unique experiment, they are put in the country's first unisex prison where they have to join forces to defend themselves from an army of rabid Aryan gang members. Then they fall in love. Before going in, David had the plans for the prison tattooed on his body, so with that and his limited knowledge of lock picking, they manage to escape with some guy named Teabag. Once on the outside, they discover that Teabag is really Glenn Beck who was thrown into prison after being convicted of being a jerk. Finally, there is a law against that.
  • The camera sweeps up the front entrance to Melrose Place and past the pool. It focuses on the flowers in the little poolside garden. One of them trembles, like a Tyrannosaurus is walking in the distance. Then more start to quake and quiver, like the beast is approaching. But then the earth starts to move, coming up from below. Suddenly a single manicured hand pops through the top soil and we see the back of a blond body rising out from the flower bed wearing a maroon mini dress. She shakes the soil from her hair and brushes it from her dress. She says, "Finally, someone used that god damned amulet!" and the camera twists around and she is finally revealed: Zombie Amanda!


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